No Soda for Zombie Killers

I know that all my readers have been breathlessly awaiting my latest #ZAP progress report. Or not.
It’s easy to be gung ho when you start making a life change, but what about ten weeks in? Let’s check in with our beleaguered heroine, shall we?
So, I’d been running, running, running, every other day. And yet I had sort of plateaued as far as weight goals.
 
Please excuse my indelicacy, but it seemed like the fat was just sitting on top of the muscle. Thus, my pants felt tighter than ever. Even though I’m sure I was burning some fat, I wasn’t really monitoring my diet much.

For me, even if I exercise regularly, if I don’t eat better it doesn’t do much of anything apparently. So I was getting my legs much more toned and a better overall appearance but not losing all that much weight.

A casual glance at my daily diet would reveal why: fast food, lots of processed, high-salt and fat foods, lots of sugar. And, lots of soda.

Apparently this whole fitness revelation was going to involve even more pain and frustration than it already had – I was going to have to start cutting calories.

Allow me to preface this by saying that I am a female who has NEVER counted calories, never even really dieted. Oh sure, I would flirt with eating better occasionally, but I just could never turn down that bowl of crab bisque. Or that freshly baked Krispy Kreme donut. Or…okay, I’d better stop now.

I have a pretty positive body image, but even I couldn’t imagine putting on my wedding dress and having everything squish out. 
So here is my SUPER SECRET CALORIE CUTTING PLAN.
1) No Moar Soda
This was actually a hard one for me. Really hard. I love Coca Cola Classic. I cannot drink diet drinks, they leave a funny aftertaste on my tongue. But a 12 oz. can of Coke has 140 calories. And who can stop at one? My fiance pointed out that I’m likely one of those people who needs to stop cold turkey. So I did.
I had my last soda on Monday, October 22nd. It was delicious. But I also realized that it’s keeping me chubby. 1 soda/day x 365 days x 10 years = MANY POUNDS OF SUGAR FAT.
See how good I am at math? This calorie counting thing would be a breeze.
So, no soda. No lemonade or coffee (can only drink with major sugar anyway) or any other equally sugared substitute. I’ve only had water or a few glasses of orange juice since.
2) No Moar Fast Food
My last two years in Florida were a string of fast food meals. I mean it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner came in a little greasy bag. My car smelled like fries. When I cleaned it out, I would throw away 2-4 fast food bags filled with sticky wrappers. McDonalds, Wendys, Chik-fil-A, Arby’s, Sonic, Taco Bell, Burger King, you name it. 
There were two simple reasons for this. One, I was poorer than I have been in a long time. I could eat at McDonalds for $3.18. Two, I worked a great deal and was always in the car. I am not very organized when I am busy and grocery shopping became a time-consuming expense that I couldn’t manage.
Two years of this took its toll, which leads me to this moment when I am sharing all kinds of fun Anna facts with you.
 
3) No Moar Potato Chips, Candy or Other Delicious Junk Food
 
I have a sweet tooth and a major weakness for junk food. So I had to outsmart my brain. I found these new flavored Quaker Rice Cake Chips that crunch, so I feel like I am eating chips. The candy is more difficult. I do like Fruit Leathers, as they taste just like Fruit Roll-ups. 
I gave away all of our leftover Halloween candy in desperation, just took it into the office in a basket that had a hand-lettered sign that read:

PLEASE HELP ME WITH BRIDE DIET AND TAKE ALL CANDY PLEASE

Very poignant, neh? But moderation in all things. I did have some Skittles today…and they were yummy!
 
4) Face Stuffing Accountability
I got a handy little free app for my phone, courtesy of Angela Goff. It’s called MyFitnessPal and it allows me to log everything I eat. I turn it into a little game, trying to get under my 1400 daily calories. Not so easy. I had a banana mini-shake at Sonic, less than 10 bleeping ounces, and it was 542 CALORIES. 
So my learning curve was a little steep. But I’m doing much better now, except on Saturday when I misread the serving size for a dish. Apparently dieters eat a two-inch wrap portion whereas I would naturally eat all four inches. Sheesh.
5) Zombie Running
Let us not forget the central focus of #ZAP or Zombie Apocalypse Preparation: train like a moofawonker (sorry, this blog is PG-13). It is quite cold now by the time I get home, so I have to come up with some creative solutions as I can no longer run the neighborhood.

I have started high-speed Mall Walking with my mom, which I consider equally good #ZAP training. All the good zombie movies have a mall sequence. I’ll know where everything is. And yes, I haven’t missed the hilarity of it. 

Anyone have any innovative inside workout ideas that doesn’t involve a gym membership?
I’d love to hear your calorie counting/diet/exercise WINS and FAILS. 
Even with a FAIL, even when you fall down, the only rule is you have to pick yourself back up.

ZAP: I Am Not a Runner

I don’t know how many of you self-monologue. Hamlet had a bad habit of it. This is recently how the conversation proceeded in my head.

 

I am not a Runner.

 

Who says?

 

Perhaps you’ve forgotten the humiliation of Phys Ed? The dodgeballs driven into your back? The limply terrified swinging from the climbing rope? Coming in last place every relay race? Being picked last for every team? Aiming for the volleyball, only to have it break your glasses? Getting knocked on your rump because you couldn’t catch a fast-pitch softball?

 

Okay, so your performance in team sports has not always been shining. Your arms and legs were too long for your body during adolescence and you had no coordination. But that was then. You’re turning 33 this year.

 

Thanks for reminding me. With the 33 year old body to match.

 

It doesn’t have to be that way. You could be more strong and powerful at 33 than you have ever been in your life.

 

Who says?

 

Me. I mean, you. You used to run regularly at the end of high school.

 

I wasn’t propelling so much mass through space at that time.

 

You just need adequate incentive.

 

Well, I AM afraid of zombies.

Emmie Mears is doing that Zombie Apocalypse Preparation training for herself. You remember that?

 

Oh wow. Emmie’s doing really great with that. I wish I could do that.

 

You could.

 

Oh please. I am not a runner. I’m a–

 

You’re being lazy. And you’re not lazy. You’re letting life dictate to you what your size, shape and stamina will be. You’re letting it take your power.

 

I am NOT.

 

Prove it.

 

So I did. I got out there and wheezed my way through my first K. Then my second. Every other day. I got a killer zombie fitness incentive app called Zombies, Run!. And I proved it. To myself and my inner voice. I didn’t think I could. But I did. Yesterday, I realized that I had ran 30k since August 25, the day I decided to change my own life.

 

 

And I’m going to keep changing it. I do want to lose weight for my wedding, but it’s far longer term than that. I want to be healthy. Fitness is not an item to check off the list, because life gets busy and it gets dropped from the list. I’m not going to drop it this time. I’m the only one telling myself that I’m not athletic. I’m the only one who thinks I’m not powerful. And I am not listening to that voice ANY MORE.

 

I am not a runner.

 

Who says?

 

I am a warrior.

 

Weddings, Emmie and the Zombie Apocalypse

This story begins with a proposal. You may not know, gentle reader, but I’ve recently become engaged. This is thrilling and unnerving, as I’m not a person who has spent much time contemplating my wedding. The probability of unicorns and the apocalypse? Yes. The necessity for monogrammed linens? No.

So I’ve coined the #haplessbride hashtag on Twitter to bookend any wild-eyed/delirious assertions on my part regarding venue acquisition, invitation printing or any other foreign concept. I’ve also created a group board on Pinterest: The Hapless Bride: For the Connubially Clueless. If you’re on Pinterest or would like to be, drop me a comment here and I’ll add you. I have invited all my friends to contribute ideas to make my wedding the most eccentric– sorry, most glamorous ever.

Now to the mortifying bit. Like many people, I have allowed my love of Chinese food, Oreos and red cream soda to overtake my common sense. The equation is simple: junk food + soda + lazy lolling = sadface.

I now face the terrifyingly inevitable WEDDING DRESS TRY-ON. I peered in the full-length mirror yesterday and shouted something that cannot be reprinted on this blog (hint: rhymes with goalie schmuck). SOMETHING NEEDS MUST BE DONE.

I’ve been pondering motivational tools. I love being fit, but inertia is more powerful especially when work and family and wedding planning interfere.

Enter Emmie Mears. *drumroll*

You may remember Emmie from the awesome and flattering post she wrote about me and my blog here. Emmie is the founder of #ZAP: Zombie Apocalypse Preparation. Emmie found herself in a similar situation to yours truly and instead of sulking like me she decided to create a killer workout program

I am a big fan of goal setting, so this appealed. I am also a fan of zombies. Well, evading zombies. I added another layer to #ZAP today.

I’d heard about an iPhone app that simulated the apocalypse, Zombies, Run!. It’s a little pricy ($7.99), but all of its 200+ reviews said it was totally worth it. You can see the video that sold me here:

So I went out today and ran 2.79 km. Not a particularly impressive start, but considering the extent of my exercise has been walking to my car, I’m rather jazzed.

For people with an overactive imagination (such as myself), this app is definitely alarming. Imagine running around your suburban neighborhood at just before twilight. Almost no one is out. All the lawns are manicured, the sprinklers are running, the televisions blare unwatched. Perfect scenario for a zombie apocalypse. Cue muffled groans and shuffling feet.

I did return from my mission successful, ruddy-cheeked and unbitten.

 If anyone is curious, this is my first End of World Playlist.

1) Beautiful Stranger (William Orbit remix) – Madonna

2) Black Horse and the Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall

3) Fibre de Verre – Paris Combo

4) Helena (So Long and Goodnight) – My Chemical Romance

5) Hate It or Love It – The Game

6) Hips Don’t Lie (feat. Wyclef Jean) – Shakira

So thanks to Emmie for being a motivational rock star. She’s #ZAP team captain. I’m first mate. Anyone else in?

You’ll want us on your team at the end of the world.