ZAP: I Am Not a Runner

I don’t know how many of you self-monologue. Hamlet had a bad habit of it. This is recently how the conversation proceeded in my head.

 

I am not a Runner.

 

Who says?

 

Perhaps you’ve forgotten the humiliation of Phys Ed? The dodgeballs driven into your back? The limply terrified swinging from the climbing rope? Coming in last place every relay race? Being picked last for every team? Aiming for the volleyball, only to have it break your glasses? Getting knocked on your rump because you couldn’t catch a fast-pitch softball?

 

Okay, so your performance in team sports has not always been shining. Your arms and legs were too long for your body during adolescence and you had no coordination. But that was then. You’re turning 33 this year.

 

Thanks for reminding me. With the 33 year old body to match.

 

It doesn’t have to be that way. You could be more strong and powerful at 33 than you have ever been in your life.

 

Who says?

 

Me. I mean, you. You used to run regularly at the end of high school.

 

I wasn’t propelling so much mass through space at that time.

 

You just need adequate incentive.

 

Well, I AM afraid of zombies.

Emmie Mears is doing that Zombie Apocalypse Preparation training for herself. You remember that?

 

Oh wow. Emmie’s doing really great with that. I wish I could do that.

 

You could.

 

Oh please. I am not a runner. I’m a–

 

You’re being lazy. And you’re not lazy. You’re letting life dictate to you what your size, shape and stamina will be. You’re letting it take your power.

 

I am NOT.

 

Prove it.

 

So I did. I got out there and wheezed my way through my first K. Then my second. Every other day. I got a killer zombie fitness incentive app called Zombies, Run!. And I proved it. To myself and my inner voice. I didn’t think I could. But I did. Yesterday, I realized that I had ran 30k since August 25, the day I decided to change my own life.

 

 

And I’m going to keep changing it. I do want to lose weight for my wedding, but it’s far longer term than that. I want to be healthy. Fitness is not an item to check off the list, because life gets busy and it gets dropped from the list. I’m not going to drop it this time. I’m the only one telling myself that I’m not athletic. I’m the only one who thinks I’m not powerful. And I am not listening to that voice ANY MORE.

 

I am not a runner.

 

Who says?

 

I am a warrior.

 

Weddings, Emmie and the Zombie Apocalypse

This story begins with a proposal. You may not know, gentle reader, but I’ve recently become engaged. This is thrilling and unnerving, as I’m not a person who has spent much time contemplating my wedding. The probability of unicorns and the apocalypse? Yes. The necessity for monogrammed linens? No.

So I’ve coined the #haplessbride hashtag on Twitter to bookend any wild-eyed/delirious assertions on my part regarding venue acquisition, invitation printing or any other foreign concept. I’ve also created a group board on Pinterest: The Hapless Bride: For the Connubially Clueless. If you’re on Pinterest or would like to be, drop me a comment here and I’ll add you. I have invited all my friends to contribute ideas to make my wedding the most eccentric– sorry, most glamorous ever.

Now to the mortifying bit. Like many people, I have allowed my love of Chinese food, Oreos and red cream soda to overtake my common sense. The equation is simple: junk food + soda + lazy lolling = sadface.

I now face the terrifyingly inevitable WEDDING DRESS TRY-ON. I peered in the full-length mirror yesterday and shouted something that cannot be reprinted on this blog (hint: rhymes with goalie schmuck). SOMETHING NEEDS MUST BE DONE.

I’ve been pondering motivational tools. I love being fit, but inertia is more powerful especially when work and family and wedding planning interfere.

Enter Emmie Mears. *drumroll*

You may remember Emmie from the awesome and flattering post she wrote about me and my blog here. Emmie is the founder of #ZAP: Zombie Apocalypse Preparation. Emmie found herself in a similar situation to yours truly and instead of sulking like me she decided to create a killer workout program

I am a big fan of goal setting, so this appealed. I am also a fan of zombies. Well, evading zombies. I added another layer to #ZAP today.

I’d heard about an iPhone app that simulated the apocalypse, Zombies, Run!. It’s a little pricy ($7.99), but all of its 200+ reviews said it was totally worth it. You can see the video that sold me here:

So I went out today and ran 2.79 km. Not a particularly impressive start, but considering the extent of my exercise has been walking to my car, I’m rather jazzed.

For people with an overactive imagination (such as myself), this app is definitely alarming. Imagine running around your suburban neighborhood at just before twilight. Almost no one is out. All the lawns are manicured, the sprinklers are running, the televisions blare unwatched. Perfect scenario for a zombie apocalypse. Cue muffled groans and shuffling feet.

I did return from my mission successful, ruddy-cheeked and unbitten.

 If anyone is curious, this is my first End of World Playlist.

1) Beautiful Stranger (William Orbit remix) – Madonna

2) Black Horse and the Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall

3) Fibre de Verre – Paris Combo

4) Helena (So Long and Goodnight) – My Chemical Romance

5) Hate It or Love It – The Game

6) Hips Don’t Lie (feat. Wyclef Jean) – Shakira

So thanks to Emmie for being a motivational rock star. She’s #ZAP team captain. I’m first mate. Anyone else in?

You’ll want us on your team at the end of the world.